Alone

I'm not typically one to cry. And yet as I find myself writing this entry, I can feel tears building up. My dad just left for the airport, thus completing my gradual and terrifying removal from my world. I am alone.

I am alone.

I am completely alone in this hostile land, forced to face loneliness, boredom, and rats without anyone by my side. I am surrounded by people willing to help, but I have never felt more alone. I do believe that the next five days of my life will be hell. They will simply be hell on Earth. With Anjeli 10 hours away, and thus mostly unavailable, and with my family in a different world, I will be without anyone to turn to. My hope is that I will accept this life, learn to appreciate some aspects of it, or at the very least become dulled to suffering. As I am reminded on a near-constant basis, I can leave anytime I want. To stay here is to prolong my suffering, and to prolong the suffering of my parents. But I want to keep going. I want to keep going because I hope it'll get better. I want to conquer this hell-hole because if I can live here I can live anywhere. I want to be able to know a foreign country on an intimate level. This trial is pushing me to my limits, but what I have learned about myself is that my limits are very elastic. Every time I think I've reached a limit, I see that I still have more to give. I have learned a huge amount about myself. I have more confidence in myself because I know that even though I'm a skinny, awkward, foolish kid, I am still capable of immense endurance. If I can survive here, I can survive anywhere. And if I enjoy life here, then there is nothing I cannot do. Humans have survived the Holocaust, World Wars, famines and the Dark Ages. There is no reason why I shouldn't be able to live here. I will try to be more social, I will try to make friends, and I will try to make the best of a very, very bad situation. Tomorrow will be one of the worse days of my life, and these five days will be infernal. I reference hell very frequently here in Senegal.
I will survive. If I don't, I'll leave. It'll get better. If not, I'll leave. I will be strong, and if I do survive, I will be up for anything.